I think this is the single most asked question I hear since I started training as a doula, closely followed by, “Oh, so you’re like a midwife then?”
Let’s get into that …
Firstly, no, doulas are not midwives. Yes, we do share the same end goal; a healthy and happy parent and baby but all in all, we do not offer the same support.
A doula is a highly trained and experienced professional offering physical, emotional, and informational care and support. We do not offer any medical advice, procedures, or support. A doula is available for you once you contact and hire them. We are there to answer your questions, give you evidence based information, accompany you to appointments, go through a birth or postpartum plan with you, point you in the direction of other professionals should you need them, hold your hand, hold space for you and so much more.
“But I have [enter family member, partner, friend here] to do that. I don’t need a doula.”
Totally. I get that and it is so amazing that you have that kind of support in your circle but not all people do and we are there to fill the void then. Furthermore, sometimes we think we have the support of those in our circle until the time comes and we no longer feel comfortable telling them how we feel. This new found guilt has crept in and we begin to push those closest to us away. We don’t want them to know that we are feeling resentful towards our baby. We don’t want to tell our partner that we suddenly hate them because they’re getting the sleep we’re lacking. We don’t want to call our parents and cry about how hard it is because they did it too … in tougher times … with more kids. Sometimes it just isn’t as easy as calling someone in your circle and letting it all out. Whereas having a doula there; someone trained to listen to your true feelings and validate them for you. Someone who isn’t going to say, “well at least …” because that is the last thing you need to hear.
When I talk about a doula holding your hand and holding space for you, it might sound a little cringy. But in those times of guilt, loneliness, confusion, resentment, or even in the happier moments where you’re feeling like you have it all under control, a doula might be exactly what you need. Not physically holding your hand (unless you want to, then we’re totally there for that too). But holding you up, emotionally, mentally. Letting you know that what you’re feeling is completely normal, you are a human being and you are allowed to have all of those feelings and more. Validating for you that feeling this way actually proves that you are a good parent. Reminding you that you have never done this before. It is a brand new skill that needs learning, patience, time, and most of all support because support is key in any new role.
Think about it ... you start a new job. You’re not expected to just roll up to work on day one and know it all. You are trained. There is someone to answer your questions. There is someone to let you know you’re doing the best you can with the knowledge you currently have. There is a period of learning and adjusting. Well, your reproductive journey is the same. Whether you are trying to conceive, having fertility treatments, adopting, going through surrogacy, pregnant, birthing or in the postpartum, there is so much to learn. None of it comes easy and none of it was ever intended to be done alone.
The same goes for people who have had, or are surviving miscarriages, abortions, bereavements. There is support there for you too. Your world is already a very heavy place. A doula can really lighten your load and take some of the unnecessary weight from you. A lot of us are further trained in trauma resolution or are trauma informed and if not, we will certainly be able to put you in touch with someone who is.
Society has come so detached for support systems which is upsetting on so many levels. We wear exhaustion like a badge of honour. “Oh I worked all day yesterday and then didn’t go to bed until 3am and up again at 6am with the kids. Not to mention the few wakes ups in between.” Wow! Super parent, right? Wrong! That parent is probably crying during those wake-ups, falling asleep at work, wishing for just 5 minutes to themselves. It is not heroic. It is not to be applauded. That parent needs support but because we have come so detached, we don’t seek the help we need, oftentimes, until it is too late.
Going back to “that parent”. Maybe they’re not even a parent yet but they’re trying to conceive. All this work and lack of sleep. All this stress is not optimal. Of course, a doula can’t take away the amount of work one needs to do, but they can make coming home a little easier by doing a little bit of light housework, cooking or prepping some light meals, putting on a load of washing, putting a hot water bottle in your bed so that you can just roll home, eat some yummy food that you didn’t need to prep yourself, and collapse into a nice comfy bed for a good rest.
On top of that, we are here to fill in the gaps that need filling from hospital appointments. Look, doctors and midwives are busy as hell! They have dozens of patients every single day. Sometimes they don’t even get a chance to eat. They also have lives outside of the hospital. Who knows what’s going on in their lives? Of course, that’s no excuse for treating anyone badly and I do not condone any medical professional that does so. However, I do get how sometimes they can be so busy that they’ve not eaten breakfast or lunch and are probably rushing patients in and out because they’re hangry and tired from their long, understaffed shifts. Maybe there’s even a lack of compassion and you’re feeling so totally overwhelmed because you had questions that were left unanswered in your appointment.
ENTER THE DOULA!
We can most likely help with those questions left unanswered. We can help you to understand the medical jargon being used in your appointments. We can assist you in writing a list of questions that you will have answered in your next appointment. Building confidence to advocate for yourself is all part of our role and we are there to ensure you know what is going on and to ensure you are receiving the most recent evidence based information, if not from your medical team then we will provide you with additional resources. As for compassion, well, we are full of it! I’m not even sure one could be a doula without compassion.
There is a common misconception that doulas “are just for hippies”, or those who want home births, free births, or those who are planning to breastfeed, use cloth diapers or bla bla bla. There are many misconceptions about doulas and I am here to bust those misconceptions and quite simply too … WE ARE FOR EVERYONE!!!!
Doulas do not judge. We do not tell you what to do. We do not choose one journey over the other because it seems “more natural” or “easier”. No way! Each journey is unique and that is what makes parenting and being a doula so absolutely fulfilling and so beautiful. We are like a professional, fully trained best friend who’s got your back no matter what direction your journey takes you.
Oh, and just a quick note to say we need to kick those “hippy” stereotypes and discriminatory misconceptions right back to where they belong … the bloody bin!